If the past two years have taught me anything, it is that I've spent far too long feeling worthless and disgusting on the bad days, and boring and ordinary on my better ones.
I'm sick of it. I'm better than that. And if I'm not better than that, I'd better figure out how to be pretty darn quick because there are little eyes in this house watching me, listening to how how I talk about myself, taking in what I say and do, observing my priorities.
I don't want to have just good days, I want to have great ones. Fantastic days! I don't want to just accept myself, flaws and all. I want to love the person that I am.
I believe that everyone has things about themselves that are worth sharing, things worth shining a spotlight on. Including me. It is our humanity that makes us beautiful.
Sometimes I have to force myself to see the good, both when I look in the mirror and when I look in my own heart. It is easier now than it once was, but to say it comes naturally to me would be a lie.
Once upon a time, decades ago, I was a dare devil. I did what I wanted, said what I wanted, dressed how I wanted, lived how I wanted. I turned the music up and danced, danced, danced!
I was happy.
Sometimes I think I want to go back in time, recapture that happiness.
No, actually, that isn't quite right. I was reckless then. Often my happiness came at the expense of someone else. And, let's face it, I did some really stupid things.
That girl would laugh at the things that make me happy now. She might even be embarrassed for me.
She would be wrong.
But the girl who dared to dream? The girl who didn't worry about what other people thought of her? The girl who wrote poems for hours and didn't feel one shred of guilt? That girl I'd like to invite back into my life.
That girl I loved.
That girl had a rock star within her and she wasn't afraid to show it.
I still know how to turn the music up.
It is time I remember that.